Am bored at work so thought I'd write a new journal entry. It's been a little while, can't believe it's November already.

My father passed away 19th October around 7am. He had checked into hospital the Thursday prior for pain managementand slipped into a coma. He was in no pain when he passed, which gives us all peace. And most importantly, after we saw how he responded to the pain medications, we were aware that it was unlikely that he'd wake up ever again. We were lucky enough to have a lucid moment with him 2 days before he passed, and we had the chance to say goodbye. Most people don't get that. It was the most beautiful moment in my life and gave me a sense of closure.

He had Motor Neurone Disease which is a terminal incurable illness that stripped him off his dignity & manhood. Worse than this, he was in an incredible amount of pain which was by no means normal for this rare illness. He lived with a daily pain rating of 8 that consumed his body, with the addition of painfully swollen feet which were purple on a good day and fasciculations which are muscle twitches.

I've never dealt with grief like this, and was and am so surprised by some things. Firstly, I'm sick of being asked if there's anything people can do for me. It's such a throw away line, and seems to fulfill people's need to fix things. Or how physical it is - I lost 3.5 kilos in 2 weeks (and am only about 55 kilos usually so that's a lot for me), was dry retching most mornings and constantly nauseous. Or all the attention you get - when our car pulled in at the funeral, everyone moved back to make room. I hate all the attention, so sick of all the hugs (i'm not a big hugging type).

anyway, I am doing ok. I have my good days and bad days, and our family has become so much closer and more supportive through this.

how are you peeps